Stubborn Nature

This entire entry is not mine, but i could NOT have said it better myself. These are my exact feelings and thoughts and sometimes my attempt at rationalizing these thoughts doesn't work out as best as i would want them so luckily for me T.Mel explained it with perfection. 

USELESS ATTEMPTSI spent a huge chunk of today reminiscing on old friends, resenting my stubborn nature, and hating my insecurities. Now it's midnight and I think I've had enough. <--link to her page.

What's the use of it all really?
To remember the things that hurt the most,
to wish for things and make happy toasts,
to try and rekindle old flames with gone-folks?

What's the use of it?

Useless attempts at a present, burdened by your past.
If it didn't work then what now could make it last?
When you're lonely and confused you make decisions too fast...
So what's the use of it?

Useless...useless..USEless...useLESS....
USE LESS words when you're not thinking straight;
when you're irrational decision may potentially alter your fate...
when you're bored in your bed and remember a former mate...
USE LESS words when you're not thinking straight.

What's the use of it really?
In the end you will only feel silly..
For your own attempts make you look over-willing..
Vulnerability.

Useless attempts and vulnerability,
they're useless.
And to us?

Attempts at broken pasts only end with things that won't last.

--T. MEL

You're Not

the You that i want You to be.

You know,
You're not the you that you used to be.
The you that worried and tried to look out for me.
You're not the you that I want you to be.
Because you're not you and don't want to see.

You're not the you that you used to be.
The you that I loved and trusted the most.
The you who I knew made for a friend I could boast.
You're not the you that I want you to be.
Because you're not you or even ready to be.

the You that i want You to be,
would never actually question me.
You wouldn't dismiss me but listen to me.
the You that i know You to be,
trusts me.

But now you're not the you that I want you to be.
Because you're hesitating to grow up,
I know cause you told me.

I expect you to be the you I want you to be.
But I'll settle for the you that you appear to be.

--T. MEL

Life

Too Much
You ask me to be your friend,
but my love exceeds friendship.
You want me to be just a friend
and I must, then,
cherish mere minutes
between days you spend
with your lover.

You think you value me as your friend,
but your time and energy
do not belong to me
and I feel of little worth.
You touch me as a friend,
the touch impersonal,
there are no kisses I can claim,
your passion is not mine.

I am but a friend,
and that does not hurt you.
You hurry off to see your lover
so easy to leave me,
and my heart bleeds.
You do not know my pain,
for I love you much too much
to be but your friend

...............................yeah.

*sigh*

my life.

Transfer

Folks,
i'm on tumblr. It is what it is, but that site is adorable and much faster to post and blog on than blogspot. Even though blogspot has been so good to be and i'll occasionally post here from time to time. but, either way --i'm not leaving ya'll =] Here's the link - enjoy!

http://www.mmmsugar.tumblr.com


visit me/ follow me/ dowhateveryourheartdesires

Time to Play

" you wanna play a game? It's like this:

you play around, you have fun, you share secrets, you tell stories, you cry on each other's shoulders, you hold hands, you think about forever.

but, you don't fall in love

because the first one who does, loses."

Otra

back to back blog posts for me. ya' see i'm trying .. lol

anyway. i'm excited for the fall semester to come already. i want to start this internship and finish it asap. i want to get my LSAT scores and i want to get my life going. once i start applying to law school's i'm gonna feel so much better about my direction. and i'm dyingggggg to go far from the east coast. or at least a significant distance from home. i need space. from everyone i know. every.single.person. i know ..i need space from them for long periods of time and what better time then while i'm studying.

i'm definitely out.

Trying

hi blog.

i've missed you. & no, i havent been using tumblr or another blogging website; i've just been very busy. Honest. I knew you wouldn't believe me .. *walks away saddened*

anywho:

how've you been? me? well, .. i've been okay. A good amount has happened since i was last on here. Classes finished. summer classes passed. Friends graduated. Friends have quit and gotten fired. and some friends have disappeared all together, but me? well, .. ive been keeping to myself. usually home if not, im at work hating myself for being there. or wanting to punch one of my managers in the face. All one in the same. either way, i havent been happy. or unhappy for that matter. i've just been coasting. and as you can see my sense of sentence structure and paragraph development have not improved but rather have diminished. tsk, tsk shai.

i'm sort of happy i didn't blog on my birthday. it wasn't fun. and i sort of wished i spent it with other people. Its weird because the people i wanted to spend my birthday with, didnt spend it at all with me ..at least not for the day. which sucked, alot.

i have a ton of new quotes i want to put up which i will in a few but ..for now im just going to continue venting about friends and ..life.

it's almost like the bridge to friendship doesn't even exist anymore..but people are afraid to tell someone they love them because they don't want to lose the friendship. i know i'd rather be friends forever than lover's for a while.

ugh, it is what it is ..

i'm trying.

Here, Take it.

They don't let me forget it

5 years old and my birthday

received a yellow glitter hoola hoop

whilst my brother

months away from a new year

got a Power Ranger's sword

10 years old

used to being the baby

mommy's pregnant

"are you okay w/ this?" --i ask my dad

mom laughs

i don't

it's a girl

shit.

gave my heart to a boy

who gave me his

or what seemed like his

a rock masked as his heart

but it was mine

on the weekends

and holidays

weekdays was for another

Emotionally exhausted: I hate sharing.

my birthday

my status

my boy

Kiss You

Standing at a distance
but close enough i can smell your thoughts
through your skin

picturing your lips
on mine
but we're surrounded by witnesses
so i'll await you

i stare at your mouth
and imagine your taste
craving an empty room
just us two

locking eyes every few seconds
feeling my pulse race with your glance
desiring some time alone

mentally preparing myself for you
already physically ready
i see you walk towards the bathroom

i count to three
and excuse myself

to find you.

Decipher

Seduce me
Write me a poem
tell me about the scent of musk
at the nape of my neck
that you dream of spending
sultry summer days
between my breasts
that if you could taste me
it would be mangos and
tropical breezes on your tongue
keeping you up at 2 am for weeks
staring at black ceilings
legs entwined in sheets
wiping your brow
wondering when the next will be

Seduce me
write me a poem
drop those weak pick up lines
and overwhelm me with quotes
from Nerudas 100 love sonnets
tell me I walk in beauty
like the night
trace the lines of my left hand
decipher
then read and whisper
their meaning to me
tell me my life line crosses your destiny
imprint you words on me
like overnight scratch marks
leave butterflies in my stomach
with honeysuckle syllables
that remind me of first kisses
and holding hands at recess

Seduce me
write me a poem
that prays my name
and preaches our passion
chant a litany of our lovemaking
to come
under your breath
with the faith of withered
hands holding rosaries
in cathedrals
until the images of us
entwined in each other
burn themselves inside our minds
like incense at mass

Seduce me
write me a poem
with your eyes
lock glances for a moment
across a crowded room
soft smirk on full lips
and a slow deliberate
blink followed by a
flutter of eyelashes
that says
damn I wish.....

Seduce me
write me a poem
with your body
approach me the certainty of the tide
move to me without doubt or question
make me your origin
and your destination
let the music be the catalyst
that lets our bodies meet
spin me in and out of conga rythms
lead me into a coltrane wail
grind me into the base-line
of between the sheets
then pull me close enough
to feel out hearts beat together
when we dance

Seduce me
write me a poem
that
that speaks of our timelessness
remind me it was you
I loved in a past life
on some far away continent
tell me I carry you in my genes
that I can't forget you
if I tried
that our memories are
engraved into eternity
that time is just a theory to us

Seduce me
write me a poem
that needs no words
compose a silent sonnet
on soft bare skin
where your caress on exposed back
speaks that syllable
I need to hear you
a poem
where melding bodies become the look
where shallow breathing
becomes prose
where you seduce me
and inspire me to
write you the poem
that shows you how to love me

-Maya del Valle

All Too Familiar

"The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be- and when they’re not, we cry. "

-Unknown

Her Goodies

"Ride" - Ciara ft/ Luda

She's not the most talented singer but she is definitely one hell of a performer. And not many can dance like Ciara - ever - let alone now-a-days, but this girl can MOVE. This is about the 3rd video of hers i've put on this here blog and she continues to impress. Lettin' all her goodies hang out, as you can see.

*slow clap*

The song's a fail tho, but ya can't win 'em all. Lol

HUG

*runs toward you with arms open*

I don't even know where to begin. I've missed you, blog! And i totally take full responsibility for neglecting you and will be ready to receive all the penalties that come with my misbehavior. I hope you can one day forgive me and we can move on towards positivity. Hopefully that day is today because I'm already over it. *shrug*

But i'd like to start by displaying this poem by Bassey Ikpi to you:

asked you to stay the night
too late to drive so far
I said
had your safety in mind
surprised when you said yes
the way you did
mumbling something about winter
in the city and snow
I shrugged
too tired to discuss
offered you the couch
hoping you'd take the bed
surprised when you did
now I lay in arms that smell familiar
fingers laced with mine
can count your breath on my eyelids

vaguely recall caress and kiss
hands on hips
moving counter clock
lost all track of time
feel body half on mine

I high on dreams
didn't know you were real
until your scent found my pillow
rolled over saw your face
just to the right of my everything

fingertips brush lips
dance across cheeks
don't remember your breath so steady
don't remember your skin so soft
don't remember loving you this much
you, so beautiful and calm in sleep
I, restless want to steal your peace
make it mine
like you should be

vaguely recall caress and kiss
hands on hips
you on lips
now feel arm around waist
pull me close
knees find thighs
nose find place where shoulder meets neck
feel my breath on your eyelids
find my scent
watch my name escape as whisper
exist as dance
across cheeks
brush lips
breath steady
skin so soft
don't remember loving you this much
can barely breathe now
from holding air
can't move
can't let
you
high on dreams
me lost in memory
remembering
when you and I
were we
were us
were meant to be
breath so steady
skin so soft
remembering when you loved me
this much

genius.

Let's Trade

The best things in life come when you least expect it. You know that you found a special something or someone when just the thought of losing them brings you to tears. All those wars, pain, lies, hate, arguing, frustrations..It made me want to turn away and never look again, but i also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and ..my heart.. it feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange. No gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.

That's all.

Sucks

as of late, i've been more down in the dumps than i have been positive or in uplifting spirits.
and what's worse is that i know EXACTLY why i am this way. and i've said it, written it, sang it, hummed it, rain-danced it, irish-jigged it, crypt-walked it, stanky-legged it, and most importantly, said it --yes OUTLOUD-- to the person whom was responsible.

and i keep getting one of these: ---__---

that face is exactly the response im getting. and im more boggled by myself than most people when it comes to the question of, "how do you NOT get it? Helloooo!?"

DUH.

Spring

It's here.
Good weather.

Mother Nature apparently doesn't hate us anymore & is blessing us with delicious weather that makes you want to run around in the nude.

Well, ..makes ME want to run around in the nude.

but, i'm excited! this means the semester is almost over in a week and a month, give or take a few days here and there. & thennnnn..SUMMER.

And folks, you know what that means: my birthday =]
I'm definitely going to plan some type of excursion and getaway. I hope my dearest friends will join me. or at least quit their jobs to spend it with me on my special day(s) --you know who you are ;]

I'm just kidding, im not THAT selfish.

Issues

I know i said i wasn't going to come on here and vent my feelings & yadda, yadda, yadda .. but this for my own eyes. This is more-so for my own well being.

And quite frankly, i dont even know what to write here. or what to say to anyone directly. I am beyond fed up with carelessness. I haven't had a friendship tear me down this much EVER. what makes this one so different? Or this individual so different that i've allowed myself to basically be walked all over. As i was telling a friend, this is NOT who i am. I've never been this person.

I've never had to give so much of myself - and get nothing back.

I dont even know if this makes sense, but .. it does in my head so perhaps im just having issues transferring it to words. Even if i did know how to write it in words clearer people would still not get what im trying to say. so why even bother? I'll just keep quiet and let you figure it out for yourself.

C'mon

I have a feeling i'm going to regret NOT going to this event:

The hottest new poetry/spoken word series in New York City @ the hottest club in downtown Manhattan!

Mike Geffner Presents The Inspired Word
Date: Friday, March 12, 2010
Time: 7-10pm
Location: (Le) Poisson Rouge
http://lepoissonrouge.com/
158 Bleecker Street, New York, NY 10012
Phone: (212) 505-FISH (3474)
Cover Charge: $10
Featuring the extraordinary lineup of Bassey Ikpi, Jive Poetic, Thiahera Nurse, & Thomas Fucaloro.

Please join us for an awesome night of passionate words.

MUST BE 21 YEARS OF AGE OR OLDER TO ENTER. PLEASE MAKE SURE TO BRING ID.

http://mikeswritingworkshop.blogspot.com/2010/02/5-time-def-poet-bassey-ikpi-headlines.html


..Someone pleaseeeeee come w/ me =]

Do You?

My playlist deserved a much-needed makeover. I'm not in that sappy-love song kind of mood anymore. I've been listening to a lot of different stuff, mostly radio-music and certain tunes catch my eye here & there. But, anyway .. this post isn't about music.

I was re-reading my posts from last year & stuff and i DO NOT like the writer i've become. Writing was never supposed to be about me. and that's ALL it's been about recently. No one wants to hear/read me babble on about the troubles in my life and the disappointmens i've endured. Especially not when i'm rewriting about my mistakes week in & week out. At this point I can only blame myself. Another thing is .. and i just came to terms with this after finding some old love notes [lol, passed around during highschool] is that .. i don't want to allow anyone the comfort and satisfaction of hurting me.

Let me clarify. I don't like to put myself in a position where someone else's actions can affect my life. Or someone's words. I used to be the type of girl who would let these wrongdoings just roll off of my back and i would keep it moving. But, that is far from the case now. I let things affect me..and i wear those emotions on my sleeve. I'm too much of an emotional person right now that it's interfering with my rational and reasonable judgement.

Prime example: I can be in the jolliest of moods, happy with everything around me ..and something so small, an e-mail, a text message, can really alter my mood. And obviously, it's what is said in those messages that really get to me, but it's much less of the content of those messages and how i let those messages affect me. Or those people affect me.

I care too much. And at one point i thought of that as a strength. . Now? It's most definitely my weakness. I hateeeee when i let people affect me. & i especially hate when their affect on me is GREATER than my affect on them. That is just unnacceptable to me. Just like i hate when people --friends, family, strangers-- see me cry. Sometimes i can't even control who I'm around and the tears are more for anger and frustration than anything else, but still ..those tears are personal to me and I don't like to share that with anyone. And apparently, doing so is very healthy ..sharing these "feelings" is healthy. Or whatever. I'm done talking about myself. & if i continue this down the road..someone stop me.

Don't like, physically stop me ..on the street or anything. Just like, send me a message. Ya'know ..to keep me in check. Please?

Ugh.

Clearly ..i've lost my marbles.

This is becoming a problem.
You are becoming a problem.
Don't you think so?

March

March Already!!
How time flies in the year 2010, huh?


Oh well .. Welcome :]

Hilarity

THIS ..is comedy at it's absolute finest.
Atleast the first 10-15 seconds of it, lol.

For Granted

I give so much more than I receive but until I learn that the world is filled with ungrateful bastards who take everything for granted, I will never learn. Here's to wishful thinking or denial.

"illegitimi non carborundum"

Worthy

*sigh*

I have this written everywhere. & whenever i feel things are getting out of control, I recite this to myself and it puts things back in perspective. I am worth it. You are worth it.

Don't get it twisted.

Hermano

my dear, dear Alvarez turned 22 over the weekend and we celebrated in Atlantic City. How i love this boy. Love, love, love<3 He knows my deepest, darkest secrets and i can genuinely trust him with anything. Plus, he gives me extremely honest advice, to the point where he becomes a reality check for me. I'm very appreciative of him in my life and i hope he enjoyed his birthday, because i did.

love you, boo.

Absolutely Right

LMAO, with a few minor details and adjustments, this could very well be EXACTLY what a guys brain consists of.

So Lost

Hey blog buddies.
I've missed you, so im feeling the need to keep you updated on the recent events of my life which actually haven't been the slightest bit interesting. So, here goes:

I went to Atlantic City for one of my bestfriend's birthdays. Pictures will be posted shortly. It was...fun. And by fun, i mean it was an experience with a rather rambunctious [SO spelled that wrong] group of young adults who -- besides myself-- love to party.

um ..
and that ends my sad excuse for why i haven't been blogging. I've done NOTHING else, and yet ive been so lost from this place. Maybe its because once i get on here it seems the floodgates open and i start to rant about my shitty job, or never-ending college career, or some stupid boy, or some stupid, stupid friends and ughhh. i get carried away.

but, um ..oh yeah.
i'm gonna plan a spring break trip.

preferably by myself.
Let's see how that goes. I'd honestly love to go somewhere and lounge by myself.

ah, a girl can dream huh ;]

Beat

SO TIRED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Little Drunk

"And I said I wouldn't call, but I'm a little drunk & I need you now."

-- Lady Antebellum

Story of my life, Lol.

Waldo

This is my "Where's Waldo?" shirt.
& i love it.

and that is also my "What it do?" face.
& i don't love it as much, but still, it's mine.

and this is my "What do i blog about?" post.
& i think it's neat.

=]

Quit Life

"Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Like, there are people in the world who have the power to change our values. Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just fuckin' snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you."

--John Mayer


I find him ridiculously fascinating and he's getting a lot of heat over this recent interview he did with Playboy magazine, but i honestly don't expect anything less from this guy. As talented and witty and clever as he is, he has a slick ass mouth and doesn't seem like that's gonna shut anytime soon. Of course, his other comments have to do with him using the "N"word and referring to his penis as a "white supremicist", which may or may not have been pushing the limits (Depends on which side of the liberal spectrum you stand --if at all).

My point is --that i understand this quote. ESPECIALLY the "i want to quit my lfe and just fuckin' snort you." God, i sooooo understand that. Pretty much how amazing someone makes you feel that you just want to inhale all of them into you.

Sweet.

Breezy

One of my bestfriends just left to Navy training today. =[ I'm used to seeing this man several times a week and now i won't be speaking to him, much less seeing him for about 10 weeks. It sucks that it actually hit me so late, but I still can't believe this stuff. Of course, I'm proud of him and wish him nothing but the absolulte best for trying to better his life, but i'm definitely going to miss him everyday he's gone.

I'm definitely going to miss Rob a lottttttttt: My brother from another mother =[ ..
Hopefully he writes to me so i can reply and not lose that much touch with him.


*UPDATE*
Due to weather conditions,Rob aka Breezy got to stay two more nights!!!! Yayyyy, it's better than nothing! but, the "goodbyes" continue tonight, unfortunately =/

Immortality

"Well, for YOU my love is immortal so even with my death my love will never leave you."
-- Anwar


This made me SO happy :)

Gotta Go

This weekend I was discussing with a friend how I desperately want to get away. And I don't mean just for a week, or a weekend, or any vacation of any sort: just seriously packing up and leaving what I'm comfortable with ..and start over completely anew, but elsewhere. I also mentioned how I wouldn't even care enough about what I'm doing now to say goodbye to anyone.

It's not that I wouldn't miss certain people or I feel they wouldn't deserve that much respect, its simply because I know the feedback I would get. Or at least, I'm assuming I know what I'm going to hear. Which would be the usual who-what-when-where-and especially WHY.

But I'm getting ahead of myself because it doesn't seem like I'm going to be going anywhere until I graduate.

FML, I wanna leave!

P.S. What a difference a blog makes. My previous post was way more insightful and profound and somewhat beautifully written (if I may toot my own horn) ..and this one is so womp-womp.

Scandoulous.

I'm Hurting

So, what I'm about to say is probably the rawest (is that a word? I'm gonna look into it.) I've said/felt in a while. It tends to take me a while to ever completely and verbally reflect what I'm feeling but these thoughts couldn't be more on the money.


I opened my heart up to people who pretended to open their heart up to me as long as no one else knew about it.That's not a good way to live, and it's not a good way to love..If the love you're giving and receiving is healthy, you should be able to announce it from a mountaintop without fear.The things I'm saying right now are the things people, myself included, mean when they say "niggas/bitches ain't shit" They don't have the courage to say "I'm hurting, and I'm trying to figure out why, but yeah, having to love in secret forced me to start living in secret, and it slowly but surely ate away at my soul.I'm a great person in every way, and no one in my life has any reason to be ashamed of me.


*sigh*
HOWEVER, the love you accept is a reflection of the love you believe you deserve, at least subconsciously. Keep in mind that I went through this/am going through this with more than one person in my life. This is not an attack on anyone specific. This is my own pathology.

But, don't get me wrong..I know and I understand that I have quirks and weaknesses, but they are NOTHING compared to my general, holistic awesomeness. I mean, plain and simple, I am awesome.

This is the view I must have of myself as I strive to rebuild my life.But real is real: I have abandonment and self-esteem issues that were only intensified by my ..let's call them .."relationships" (emphasis on the quotation marks) over the last three years.Now is the time for me to face and reverse these issues.

This explains how I've had to push people away in life. How it was crutial that I had to distance myself in order to avoid being constantly reminded of the things that hurt me, to avoid repeatedly peeling off scabs.I had to spend enough time away from them to realize that I'd be alright whether they remained in my life or not, even thought that amount of time was nothing of what I wanted my mental mind to allow me..I was talking years, months..while my heart/emotions/feelings gave me a few days.But when the pain a person brings you begins to exceed the joy, you've got to break loose from that person, even if only for a while..and that's exactly what I attempted to do.

Because it sucks. It genuinely sucks and hurts having to separate yourself from people you truly love, and who HAVE contributed positive things to your life.

What makes this situation so sad is that there are no monsters or saints. I did my share of dumb shit too. And in the end, I won't apologize for it ..or regret it ..although I've said on numerous occasions that I do regret things.


*deep breath*
..Baby steps

Holding Back

I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So I'm hiding what I'm feeling
But I'm tired of
Holding this inside my head

--Colbie Caillat

Dirty Minds

"if you were my homework, i'd do you everyday - in every possible way."

"Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids."


LMAO,
i'm just in a silly mood.


Ahahahahahahaa ..Just in THAT kind of mood ;]

Magical

"But who cares? No big deal. I want MORE!"




"Unbelievable sights, Indescribable feeling"



I love these songs.
Even though I've never seen these movies.

GASP

..i knowwww, i knowwww. Sorry!

I Wish

#shout to Don on "Minus the Bars" for giving me the idea of doing this aka i saw it on his blog and thought "How Clever..I'm gonna do the same thing." =]

I WISH:

• there weren't so many stop signs on random intersections
• college textbooks weren't so damn expensive
• I lived alone
• I could come forth and say exactly what i feel to the people i care about
• I had a better relationship with my mother
• my sister would just grow up already so i can see the amazing person she's gonna become
• my dad lived closer
• my bestfriends made time for me, like i do for them
• people acknowledged their mistakes as blessings and learning experiences
• sex wasn't always so taboo and "frowned upon" and we could just EMBRACE it
• no one assumed that my above statement means i'm a hoe, 'cause im not.
• i wasn't so adapt to living in secrecy
• i could write for a living and LOVE it and not have it become something i eventually hate due to my job.
• basically, that my blogging were more than a hobby
• i could stop wishing and just DO

In the words of Ms Bassey Ikpi, "Love someone & mean it".

Word.

Already

Sweet, baby Jesus it's February already !?

Happy Feb, folks ! Hopefully there's much to look forward to this month =]

Grammys

Maxwell was probably my favorite of the night.


Are you kidding me? Jersey, all day. Bon Jovi held it down and what a surprise they've never performed on the Grammy's before. Just a shame. And he looks amazing for 47.


Gaga, Ooh La La ..God Bless whoever gives this woman a Bikini wax.


"Grammy's summary: Lady Gaga set a new standard everyone followed suit. Pink works for Cirque du soleil. JayZ is too cool to act like he loves his wife. Quentin Tarantino is annoying. Taylor Swift is a cartoon. We all miss MJ, And Maxwell is my baby's daddy."

Enough said.

Imperfections

I have come to the realization that i hurt because I've allowed you to seep into the only trusted area of my heart that wasn't crushed by the one before you.

I allowed myself to be vulnerable and swore that I would never let this happen to me again solely because it was my own fault for hurting in the first place.

For thinking that maybe for once in my life something would go the way I want it to and not the dysfunctional way I'm used to.

It isn't fair for me to have to become second best to anyone all the while knowing i'm a quality, first-rank kind of woman.

And when tiny, small insignificant things make their way into my line of vision and, somehow and someway devastate me, that sinking feeling in my heart -- ya'know the one that makes it feel as if someone's dragging it from my chest cavity into the soles of my feet --makes things seem impossible. THAT feeling has morphed itself totally out of my control.

It occurs without my consent and i front that stuff doesn't phaze me. People mention names and i HAVE to act as if you're nobody to me. As if the possibility of you walking out of my life wouldn't be worth losing sleep over.

But, no .. I have to swallow every.single.emotion and handle things in the privacy of my room because i refuse to let anyone see me sweat

So either you're in the room with me or you read these blogs, but besides that - i wipe away the tears and put on a smile that i carry 6 out of 7 days a week.



It's come in handy on occasions, but I'm tired of these character changes.

Happy Face

“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?… I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don’t want any more vicissitudes, I don’t want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty(one) and I am already exhausted.”

--Elizabeth Wurtzel

Why Can't I ?

"I'm feeling nervous
trying to be so perfect
Cause i know you're worth it.

It don't do me any good
It's just a waste of time
What use is it to you,
What's on my mind?
If it ain't coming out,
we aren't going anywhere.

So why can't I just tell you that I care?"
-B. Harg



That last line alone sums it up & says it all.

I'm excited for the NuyoRican this Saturday. Even more now because I seriously, COMPLETELY forgot all about it and i just recently re-looked at the flyer and i'm now really looking forward to seeing certain poets. But a big thumbs-down to my girl Mahogany Browne not being the host this weekend. Womp-womp. Maybe this is because i'm going on a Saturday instead of Friday, whatever. But, blog-buddies, can I say how--and i might be overreacting--there is a slight chance that i might run into someone i DON'T want to run into. But this person is still someone i admire just because they're lyrical skills are ridiculously potent and i'm a huge fan..but that's it: just a fan.




I'm gonna wear a wig.

Super FLY

I want to see her LIVE again! Someone take me, get me a Janet Jackson T-shirt, anythinggggg! I love this woman #noHomo . But, seroiously .. super duper seriously, let's make this happen. Look how fabulous she is. PLUS, her albums are insane, but ...and i'm embarrassed to say this (especially to have it in writing because that means there will be evidence) butttttttt.. i don't own ANY Janet albums.

*GASP*

i knowwwwwwwwwwwww..

i don't want to talk about it. It's something I'm very ashamed of, but let's make this happen too. because seriously, LOOK HOW FLY. She made her ex- Jermaine Dupri, the So-So Def, whatever, producer get a tattoo of her ENTIRE upper body area. Like, how much more of a BOSS can she be:

Never That

"Once you say you're going to settle for second, that's what happens to you in life."
--John F. Kennedy



What are the chances that my favorite president of all time and a member of one of the most fascinating families in American Culture would have a perfect quote for me. It's actually very likely, lol i have no idea why I made it seem so out-of-this-world. Point is: I will not settle.

;]

Come Correct

Everyone has their share of pet-peeves, but sometimes I think I have more than the average person. At the very top of this list has GOT to be spelling errors. Misspelled words drive me wild. AND I always double check the correct spelling before i try to correct someone, because what do i look like attempting to prove someone wrong and then i, myself, being wrong.

And it's not something I do just to prove people wrong, it just REALLY gets under my skin. Sometimes words clearly look ridiculously wrong and yet people will continue to send their letters, text messages, tweets, etc. with letters that look like they don't belong together in any language, let alone the English.

I do understand that there are a good amount of commonly misspelled words, but we should all take the time to learn how to properly spell them. Maybe it's just me. I don't know.


Such is life.

Homebody - Edited

UPDATED** (additional writing has been added to this post)

So honesty, this is what it is:
I need a new boo..
I actually haven't had a steady boo in a really long time, for more than over a year. And I'm thinking its timeeeeee to settle. Or atleast pursue something that will be worth it in the end. I'm just keeping my options opened and giving things more of a shot to possibly become something more. And considering I've never been in a relationship before (GASP) this might be somthing good for me..and might help me mature a lot..and finally "grow up"


I just got really erked and ticked off right now.

This blog will continue in a few minutes, OR until I cool off..which might be tomorrow morning because I really REALLY just got super annoyed.

*BACK*

A day later and I'm bored outta my mind in this music class. Yesterday I got heavily annoyed for about 45minutes starting from when I arrived at Fridays, but that story is irrelevant now so I'm just gonna move on.

Anyway: I was saying how I want a boo, lover, bf, there is a plethora of terms to describe what I'm trying to find/pursue. And this is becoming something of more interest to me because during this shitty and nasty rainy weather, during the cold nights, and snowy blizzards, it's always ever-so lovely to have a cuddle buddie. Actually, not a "buddie" because buddie's come and go and trust I've had my share, but I'm over that. And I remember what it was to have that comfort through my previous "situations" and I adored that time spent with significant others..that's sort of what I'm in the mood for. And I say sort of only because I'm going to be very selective about this process.

'Cause I'm not just anybody. (*in Drake Voice)

;)

Bored

Extremely and uncomfortably bored.

Besides a new semester starting, I have nothing in my immediate future to look forward to. I'm browsing the roll-a-dex in my mind and as i mentally scroll I really cannot find a damn thing that I'm happy about.

No coming vacations
No graduations
No eye candy

Nothing that is catching my eye. And that bothers me. Mainly because I hate falling into routine and I always feel like I need something new to just have on the side during all of this bullshit. Either a hobby, a new job, or something! I'm really going to be focused this semester and get the most out of these last few classes. Besides this semester and my internship application and placement (which I'm handing in next week)I'm pretty much done with all my major AND gen-ed courses. Yippie =/

I'm not even all that excited about it. Simply because I'm going to most likely take summer courses --ALL SESSIONS--Yup, that means both pre and post summer. So vacations and celebrations will also be held to a minimum. And considering a lot of that went down this summer..it might be a little difficult for me to remain focused, but in all honesty: if i don't get my shit done, then no one else will.

And i've learned that the hard way.

Amor de Lejos

Como estoy aqui en Espana, yo voy a tratar de escribir en espanol. Aunque no se como poner el accento sobre la "n", voy a tratar.

Mi tiempo aqui fue muy corto y no pude hacer todo lo que queria pero por lo menos pase mucho tiempo con mi papa. El me hiso muchisima falta y me vas a seguir haciendo falta quando me valles. Yo se que el tiene que hacer este processo para mejorar su vida y su carerra. Muchas cosas han cambiado y el y yo hablamos mucho en esta semana. Algunas cosas eras dificil de hablar porque son cosas familiares pero era necesario.

En este viaje me di quenta que no podria estar mucho tiempo sin my cellular. Jajaja..Mis amigos me hacen mucha, MUCHA falta y por eso me puse en la computadora quando posibile porque queria ver como ellas estavan.

Tambien un amigo me dijo que estava un poco triste en esta semana por cosas de su vida, y cosas asi tambien me duelen porque yo como amiga siempre quiero ayudar los demas.

Pero lo importante es que yo gose' aqui. La pase muy muy bien. Conosi a personas diferente, y cultura diferente y en verdad me facina este pais. La gente son muy amable y es bien facil andar apie, o en Metro.

Ahorita pongo fotos de mi viaje, vale? [Jajaja]

Ciao!

Metro

This shit reminds me of Boston's subway system & its so similar in many ways. My dad lives on the Franco Rodriguez stop on the 7line headed towards Pitis. Yeah, idk wtf that means either. lol I'm still not used to this time difference tho, it's bugging me out. Last night we went to some bar/restaurant called Le Maria ..i had steak -BANGINGGG!!! and i mean better than Shannon Rose banging, and tender. mMm! some wine, and two small margaritas. yeah, i took it there so what?

Also, it's cold as a motherfuckerrrrr. but i was bundled. Can't post pics considering i didnt bring my USB cord [D'oh! *Homer Simpson voice] My dad's classes start tmrw (he's enrolled in 15 courses and finished 3 so far = so 12, for a semester - that's OD) so from Monday - Friday i will be on my own during the day ..but its cool cause i already made an agenda of the places i wanna hit up. Im gonna go to the mall area.. and see a movie.. we're doing museums today which is cool, and there are a few bars i wanna go to as well.

No papi's so far. but that's fine cause im not really here for that. Just enjoying myself and putting things into perspective. Whenever i start thinking of things back home - i always say to myself "clear your head, shai. clear your head." and it works - surprisingly.

I'm happy.

and i miss you.

Madrid

Spain is going to do me SO good.
Can't wait to leave this Friday 1/8/2010 - 1/15/2010
I'm leaving my phone at home. & completely excommunicating myself from American civilization. This is going to be great for me. & my poppa. Which is the reason why i'm going there in the first place.

Also, I'm bringing no souvenirs.
Can't wait.