Music

I'd hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face & that you be reminded that for me: it isn't over.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you =/


-this Adele "Someone Like You" along w/ the rest of the album is on heavy rotation.

It speaks directly to my heart.

Back to You

Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you
Tried to forget you
Tried to stay away
But its too late

Over you
I'm never over, over you
Something about you
Its just the way you move
The way you move me

Yeah I'm so good at forgetting
I quit every game that I played
But forgive me, love
I cant turn and walk away, this way

Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you

Back to me
I know that it comes
Back to me
Doesn't it scare you?
Your will is not as strong as it used to be



TRUTH.
Oh, John Mayer ... how you know me so well.

Changes

A change of outlook could be the only thing i need to transform my life now. Im feeling overwhelmed and hopeless about a situation that's been gnawing at me for some time. I've become angry and cynical about what's going on, the only thing these dark emotions will do is zap my energy and leave me without hope. But there is hope, there has to be and plenty of it. I'm going to take it moment by moment, and every chance i get i need to think about all that's wonderful in my life. I won't form an inflexible idea of what kind of good fortune is coming, I'll just know that it IS coming. And it will.

Wrong

When u don't know your own power, u waste a lot of time plugging into the wrong sources looking 4 it.

Have To

Something has to change. And if "something' won't change then I have to change how I react and respond to "something".

iCare

You can “pretend you don’t care” for so long.
I’m not a robot.

One Day

"You don't want somebody who doesn't know his own heart, do you? You'll find someone who's brave enough to love you. Someday. One day. Not today."
-- Sandra Cisneros




*Sidebar: first elephant I gave Alexx, he named Sandra.*

Questions

I don't like being asked questions that the people who are doing the asking don't geuinely want the answers to. Don't ask me how I'm doing if what you REALLY want to know is if the heats off you yet. It just adds to an already long list of disappointments from you. I feel so let down. Like my initial judgement radar wasn't working that day and you managed to slip through my cracks. I'm still really, really, really not okay. And I don't like being a burden to anyone but I also don't want to be anyones concern by default. I'd have more respect for you if instead of PRETENDING to care about me for 1 hour of your day, you actually just came out and said you couldn't give two shits. Because atleast I'd know you weren't lying.

I may be feeling extra lousy today.
But even on days like these, there are kind, genuine people in my life who actually put some concern behind it when they ask "how are you?". And I'm appreciative of THEM 100%.

But I sometimes wish one of those people was you.
Whatever

Today's Message

"Something feels different in your world, Moonchild. The winds of change are beginning to blow through your life. This may make you feel somewhat fearful, but you need to change that. Instead of looking at the changes that are coming to you as potentially destructive and frightening, you need to build up a sense of anticipation and joy. This change is good. Be ready to let go of what does not work, and embrace what does. Be ready to assess your own outlook. If it hasn't been positive enough, you need to approach your new direction with the certainty that the future is a very, very happy place."

Stressing

I admit. I get emotional and beside myself when I’m hurting. I don’t think rationally, and the anxiety kicks in. It’s funny because most people who know of me, think the craziest things about me. I’ve heard it all, I’m mean, I’m bitchy, I’m too deep, I’m too goofy, I’m too quiet. That’s cool but ya’ll don’t really know me. I can seem a lot of things, but I don’t just let everybody into my heart, let them know what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling, etc.

I can be kind of reckless and hoping that people will change. I give a lot of second chances. I take a lot of bullshit. I let people walk over me sometimes. So if I wanna be a bitch about a fucked up situation, if I wanna sulk in my feelings for a minute, let me do that shit.
Stop the judging.

You only see the exterior of me for a fucking reason.

Always

" i think i'm afraid to be happy because whenever i get too happy something BAD always happens."
                       - Charlie Brown

Cruel

I don’t think my expectations are out of line. If I hold you down, say 100 percent of the time, why should I settle for you holding me down 50 percent of the time?




It doesn’t add up.

And it’s not right either.

You can’t half ass your personal relationships.

Pit of My Stomach

"Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain, the normal pains that we live with everyday. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else; makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain. We anaesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it... and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it."

Urge

Seriously.
I just want to rip off your face & wear it on my birthday.


That is all.

Trying

I really am trying.

Trying my absolute hardest to get rid of the mental real-estate that you continue to occupy. And on top of that, I was told something tonight that literally brought me to tears.. In a public place..and made me feel terrible. I can never catch a break when it comes to you. What do I do? Because if I do what I want to do,...ugh, nevermind.

This hurts.

Make it stop.

Verbatim

Title’s are tempting
I can’t always map out wrong or right
But calling you mine just seemed fitting
Felt a lot like certainty
Not so much like possession
Just potential
A sure thing in a bucket of blind folds
Something to sleep to
And a face worth waking up for
As for you

Titles must’ve sounded like
land mines going off
Secret agendas, unknown expectations
Friendly fire’s in pure form
Like tight rope walking over pointed cliffs
And a not so beautiful horizon
Proof that we handle our senses differently
See God blessed me with poet’s hands
And gave you photographer’s vision
Hence, You trust in what you see
As for me, I’m all feelings

I kept you close
But held you differently
Hugs more like “Have you smiled today?”
Less like “Tell me how your day was.”
On camera, it may all look the same
But in my hands, I cradled you unbreakable
Wouldn’t let your heart hit ground
Even as I found myself falling
Couldn’t honestly tell you what I expected
Can only speak on that which I’m sure

Fact: allowing you to call me friend was my hearts greatest compromise
Not quite the title I had hoped for
Silly me
Naïve and still playing make believe
You made me believe you’d love me like they never could
Like you saw something different with that radar of yours
But those seven letters just made my love seem miniscule
Like something I should have reserved for sand boxes during recess

I don’t make love to my friends
Don’t flippantly offer up kisses
May seem keen on affection
But my adoration aint that frivolous
And I’m trying to be cooperative
… It’s just that negotiations haven’t always been my strong point
Especially when I call myself feeling certain


Plain and simple
This is not what I signed up for
And in most cases, the lesser sentence is preferable
But when I loved you like I love you
All or nothing’s the only fit
And you only cop pleas for a lesser sentence
When it’s a crime you did not commit

I did this on purpose
Shamelessly, even
Yet somehow it’s been restrained to friendship
So, give me time to gather my things
My personals
The ones I so intricately placed in your space
Fear not when you realize it was my energy that made your home feel familiar
Friends help with dishes
Not come over to make you dinner
And should you ever realize mistakes
Are the weapons you’ve manufactured in mass production

Wave your white flag
But don’t’ call this compromise
The only peace treaty I’m down for
Is the one that gives me a larger piece of you
The things I used to look forward to
I never needed the title of friendship
To validate what I already knew
What I wanted was something more
Something like certainty mixed with potential
No land mines or friendly fire
My love is the only front line worth fighting on
The only one capable of guaranteeing a safe passage home
If you’re ready for what, at times, may seem like high waters
Fasten your boot straps
But put down the machine gun
No protective gear is needed
You are safe here
Recognize me as friend
Only to assure yourself that we could never be enemies
Let’s take on a larger title
By now, it may seem trivial
But if it makes my wounds worth it
Know it’s all that I’ve been fighting for

Filled with Regret

& here goes:

Wow, reading old posts on here really brings me back to simpler times. I can't believe there was ever a time where I didn't give a fuck. Shame on me, forreal. I wouldn't wish on anyone the feeling I have right now. And I'm fully responsible for my actions and I hate to use the word regret because you only do things you want to do in life, but it pains me to have to say that I regret it. All of it. Every single moment of it. And, God, if I could ..I wouldn't even have chosen to meet this person, even as a friend. That's how powerful I feel right now. And for as long as I've been trying to put it out of my mind, the same bad habits just kept reoccuring preventing me from getting away from it all. The only thing holding me back is the number of mutual friends who I still want to keep in my life and also the fact that I've gotten so attached to you that I don't even know where to begin to distance myself.

We've strayed so far from the friendship we started off with. And I'd give soooooo much to be back there and go back to whatever-the-fuck moment it was where we BOTH decided to do this because I wouldve said No. And said that this really would alter our friendship. But I swore I was stronger than that. But let's be real: its changed everything. I'm not the same way I was with you and vice versa. You bite your tongue for so many things. I think you fear my reaction. Which u shouldn't but everyone handles things differently and I respect that. But I miss old things. Old friendly things. And we won't go back to that. Atleast not for a while. A very long while. I miss the old you.

We are both to blame for a solid friendship gone bad.

Appropriate

"You are good, kind-hearted, honest, and self-sacrificing to a fault. These and other stellar qualities are highly sought after by your friends and loved ones. Sometimes, though, you take the self-sacificing part too far, and you give until it hurts. But there is a lesson here for you. When someone allows you to give so much that it takes something away from your own life, that person probably is not a true friend. NO ONE WHO LOVES YOU WOULD WANT TO SEE YOU SUFFER OR DO WITHOUT. No one is asking you to change your character; just be wiser in who you choose to help out."


- my horoscope today