Grammys

Maxwell was probably my favorite of the night.


Are you kidding me? Jersey, all day. Bon Jovi held it down and what a surprise they've never performed on the Grammy's before. Just a shame. And he looks amazing for 47.


Gaga, Ooh La La ..God Bless whoever gives this woman a Bikini wax.


"Grammy's summary: Lady Gaga set a new standard everyone followed suit. Pink works for Cirque du soleil. JayZ is too cool to act like he loves his wife. Quentin Tarantino is annoying. Taylor Swift is a cartoon. We all miss MJ, And Maxwell is my baby's daddy."

Enough said.

Imperfections

I have come to the realization that i hurt because I've allowed you to seep into the only trusted area of my heart that wasn't crushed by the one before you.

I allowed myself to be vulnerable and swore that I would never let this happen to me again solely because it was my own fault for hurting in the first place.

For thinking that maybe for once in my life something would go the way I want it to and not the dysfunctional way I'm used to.

It isn't fair for me to have to become second best to anyone all the while knowing i'm a quality, first-rank kind of woman.

And when tiny, small insignificant things make their way into my line of vision and, somehow and someway devastate me, that sinking feeling in my heart -- ya'know the one that makes it feel as if someone's dragging it from my chest cavity into the soles of my feet --makes things seem impossible. THAT feeling has morphed itself totally out of my control.

It occurs without my consent and i front that stuff doesn't phaze me. People mention names and i HAVE to act as if you're nobody to me. As if the possibility of you walking out of my life wouldn't be worth losing sleep over.

But, no .. I have to swallow every.single.emotion and handle things in the privacy of my room because i refuse to let anyone see me sweat

So either you're in the room with me or you read these blogs, but besides that - i wipe away the tears and put on a smile that i carry 6 out of 7 days a week.



It's come in handy on occasions, but I'm tired of these character changes.

Happy Face

“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?… I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don’t want any more vicissitudes, I don’t want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty(one) and I am already exhausted.”

--Elizabeth Wurtzel

Why Can't I ?

"I'm feeling nervous
trying to be so perfect
Cause i know you're worth it.

It don't do me any good
It's just a waste of time
What use is it to you,
What's on my mind?
If it ain't coming out,
we aren't going anywhere.

So why can't I just tell you that I care?"
-B. Harg



That last line alone sums it up & says it all.

I'm excited for the NuyoRican this Saturday. Even more now because I seriously, COMPLETELY forgot all about it and i just recently re-looked at the flyer and i'm now really looking forward to seeing certain poets. But a big thumbs-down to my girl Mahogany Browne not being the host this weekend. Womp-womp. Maybe this is because i'm going on a Saturday instead of Friday, whatever. But, blog-buddies, can I say how--and i might be overreacting--there is a slight chance that i might run into someone i DON'T want to run into. But this person is still someone i admire just because they're lyrical skills are ridiculously potent and i'm a huge fan..but that's it: just a fan.




I'm gonna wear a wig.

Super FLY

I want to see her LIVE again! Someone take me, get me a Janet Jackson T-shirt, anythinggggg! I love this woman #noHomo . But, seroiously .. super duper seriously, let's make this happen. Look how fabulous she is. PLUS, her albums are insane, but ...and i'm embarrassed to say this (especially to have it in writing because that means there will be evidence) butttttttt.. i don't own ANY Janet albums.

*GASP*

i knowwwwwwwwwwwww..

i don't want to talk about it. It's something I'm very ashamed of, but let's make this happen too. because seriously, LOOK HOW FLY. She made her ex- Jermaine Dupri, the So-So Def, whatever, producer get a tattoo of her ENTIRE upper body area. Like, how much more of a BOSS can she be:

Never That

"Once you say you're going to settle for second, that's what happens to you in life."
--John F. Kennedy



What are the chances that my favorite president of all time and a member of one of the most fascinating families in American Culture would have a perfect quote for me. It's actually very likely, lol i have no idea why I made it seem so out-of-this-world. Point is: I will not settle.

;]

Come Correct

Everyone has their share of pet-peeves, but sometimes I think I have more than the average person. At the very top of this list has GOT to be spelling errors. Misspelled words drive me wild. AND I always double check the correct spelling before i try to correct someone, because what do i look like attempting to prove someone wrong and then i, myself, being wrong.

And it's not something I do just to prove people wrong, it just REALLY gets under my skin. Sometimes words clearly look ridiculously wrong and yet people will continue to send their letters, text messages, tweets, etc. with letters that look like they don't belong together in any language, let alone the English.

I do understand that there are a good amount of commonly misspelled words, but we should all take the time to learn how to properly spell them. Maybe it's just me. I don't know.


Such is life.

Homebody - Edited

UPDATED** (additional writing has been added to this post)

So honesty, this is what it is:
I need a new boo..
I actually haven't had a steady boo in a really long time, for more than over a year. And I'm thinking its timeeeeee to settle. Or atleast pursue something that will be worth it in the end. I'm just keeping my options opened and giving things more of a shot to possibly become something more. And considering I've never been in a relationship before (GASP) this might be somthing good for me..and might help me mature a lot..and finally "grow up"


I just got really erked and ticked off right now.

This blog will continue in a few minutes, OR until I cool off..which might be tomorrow morning because I really REALLY just got super annoyed.

*BACK*

A day later and I'm bored outta my mind in this music class. Yesterday I got heavily annoyed for about 45minutes starting from when I arrived at Fridays, but that story is irrelevant now so I'm just gonna move on.

Anyway: I was saying how I want a boo, lover, bf, there is a plethora of terms to describe what I'm trying to find/pursue. And this is becoming something of more interest to me because during this shitty and nasty rainy weather, during the cold nights, and snowy blizzards, it's always ever-so lovely to have a cuddle buddie. Actually, not a "buddie" because buddie's come and go and trust I've had my share, but I'm over that. And I remember what it was to have that comfort through my previous "situations" and I adored that time spent with significant others..that's sort of what I'm in the mood for. And I say sort of only because I'm going to be very selective about this process.

'Cause I'm not just anybody. (*in Drake Voice)

;)

Bored

Extremely and uncomfortably bored.

Besides a new semester starting, I have nothing in my immediate future to look forward to. I'm browsing the roll-a-dex in my mind and as i mentally scroll I really cannot find a damn thing that I'm happy about.

No coming vacations
No graduations
No eye candy

Nothing that is catching my eye. And that bothers me. Mainly because I hate falling into routine and I always feel like I need something new to just have on the side during all of this bullshit. Either a hobby, a new job, or something! I'm really going to be focused this semester and get the most out of these last few classes. Besides this semester and my internship application and placement (which I'm handing in next week)I'm pretty much done with all my major AND gen-ed courses. Yippie =/

I'm not even all that excited about it. Simply because I'm going to most likely take summer courses --ALL SESSIONS--Yup, that means both pre and post summer. So vacations and celebrations will also be held to a minimum. And considering a lot of that went down this summer..it might be a little difficult for me to remain focused, but in all honesty: if i don't get my shit done, then no one else will.

And i've learned that the hard way.

Amor de Lejos

Como estoy aqui en Espana, yo voy a tratar de escribir en espanol. Aunque no se como poner el accento sobre la "n", voy a tratar.

Mi tiempo aqui fue muy corto y no pude hacer todo lo que queria pero por lo menos pase mucho tiempo con mi papa. El me hiso muchisima falta y me vas a seguir haciendo falta quando me valles. Yo se que el tiene que hacer este processo para mejorar su vida y su carerra. Muchas cosas han cambiado y el y yo hablamos mucho en esta semana. Algunas cosas eras dificil de hablar porque son cosas familiares pero era necesario.

En este viaje me di quenta que no podria estar mucho tiempo sin my cellular. Jajaja..Mis amigos me hacen mucha, MUCHA falta y por eso me puse en la computadora quando posibile porque queria ver como ellas estavan.

Tambien un amigo me dijo que estava un poco triste en esta semana por cosas de su vida, y cosas asi tambien me duelen porque yo como amiga siempre quiero ayudar los demas.

Pero lo importante es que yo gose' aqui. La pase muy muy bien. Conosi a personas diferente, y cultura diferente y en verdad me facina este pais. La gente son muy amable y es bien facil andar apie, o en Metro.

Ahorita pongo fotos de mi viaje, vale? [Jajaja]

Ciao!

Metro

This shit reminds me of Boston's subway system & its so similar in many ways. My dad lives on the Franco Rodriguez stop on the 7line headed towards Pitis. Yeah, idk wtf that means either. lol I'm still not used to this time difference tho, it's bugging me out. Last night we went to some bar/restaurant called Le Maria ..i had steak -BANGINGGG!!! and i mean better than Shannon Rose banging, and tender. mMm! some wine, and two small margaritas. yeah, i took it there so what?

Also, it's cold as a motherfuckerrrrr. but i was bundled. Can't post pics considering i didnt bring my USB cord [D'oh! *Homer Simpson voice] My dad's classes start tmrw (he's enrolled in 15 courses and finished 3 so far = so 12, for a semester - that's OD) so from Monday - Friday i will be on my own during the day ..but its cool cause i already made an agenda of the places i wanna hit up. Im gonna go to the mall area.. and see a movie.. we're doing museums today which is cool, and there are a few bars i wanna go to as well.

No papi's so far. but that's fine cause im not really here for that. Just enjoying myself and putting things into perspective. Whenever i start thinking of things back home - i always say to myself "clear your head, shai. clear your head." and it works - surprisingly.

I'm happy.

and i miss you.

Madrid

Spain is going to do me SO good.
Can't wait to leave this Friday 1/8/2010 - 1/15/2010
I'm leaving my phone at home. & completely excommunicating myself from American civilization. This is going to be great for me. & my poppa. Which is the reason why i'm going there in the first place.

Also, I'm bringing no souvenirs.
Can't wait.

On Purpose

& so I MUST give credit where credit is due and say that i stumbled upon this poem from one of my new followers http://tmelmoore.blogspot.com/ and, ironically, it's in the ballpark of my all-over-the-place emotions. This young woman is extremely talented and most, if not all, of her poetry I can most definitely relate too. I'd say a good 95% of this poem hits the spot, but don't get it twisted there are also some parts where i'm like "nah, but it'd be nice!" Lol Thank you!

Sometimes, on purpose,
I'll pick a fight. Just to see how long it goes,
if it'll last beyond the night.

Sometimes, on purpose,
I'll make myself cry.
Because I feel that you still see me,
like I'm just one of the guys.

Sometimes, you irk me.
Really, really irk me.
But I love you anyway,
because I know I do the same,
every other day.

Sometimes, you're really wrong.
And you know I'm right,
But insist on fighting your fight.
Give up sometimes, it'll feel better
than the struggle of who knows better.

Sometimes, alone I'll smile.
Because I know if I called,
you'd at least chat for a while.
In company or not, you've
always put me first...
Which is probably why I'm the girl
a chik will curse..

Sometimes, you're too stubborn.
But you wouldn't be you if you weren't.
I've accepted every flaw in you (not many),
And you know all of mine...
No one else today would truly spend the time
to get to know me. And that's fine.

Sometimes,
I wish we were married,
So I wouldn't have to fear being alone
it would be perfect.
I love you enough to say I do but I'm not in love with you
so you can do what you do...
And I know you get that!!!
Which would make our marriage even more true.

Sometimes,
I wish you'd take me seriously,
like when I feel like I might die and
you barely even ask why?
I do cry... out of anger..
And you're the only one that knows that.
Everyone else just thinks I'm sad, but fucc that.

Sad is of the weak,
but my tears are not defeat..
Rather a passive aggression that I choose,
I choose to avoid the aggravation.

Sometimes when I sleep,
I laugh to myself at your last story.
The funny one you told me?
It's a comfort when I'm angry.

Sometimes I miss you too much
Sometimes you become my clutch..
Sometimes, I'm not ready for us.
But the world's not ready for us.
Sometimes, I challenge my trust...
Just to see where it will lead us.
Sometimes I close my eyes and see you on the other side.
And that's when I know, You'll always be by my side.
Thank you.

Avispas

As corny as this video is, it's by one of the most authentic Dominican artists out there and i'd say the best musician i know to this day. You can quote me too, because i believe this. But, this is going to be my anthem for 2010. I feel it.

For those who would like to look up the lyrics and translate it, it's called: Las Avispas by Juan Luis Guerra.

Enjoy

Liberating

I'm slowly but surely starting the distancing process. From everyone except you, my oh-so-loyal blog.

But, before i get into any detail let me just say: Happy New Year!! 2010 - where everything will feel Brand New for the first couple months then people fall into regular complacency. It's the yearly cycle we all know and love.

Back to reality ..

And w/ this whole "distancing" thing; it doesnt mean i'm angry ..or i'm upset about anything because im really not..but i'm just not fully happy enough to where i'll remain in this "funk" so instead of trying to fix the problem ..i'm just going to remove myself from the equation ..and hopefully get better results.

Let's see how this goes because im extrememly adament on following this new regime.