Imperfections

I have come to the realization that i hurt because I've allowed you to seep into the only trusted area of my heart that wasn't crushed by the one before you.

I allowed myself to be vulnerable and swore that I would never let this happen to me again solely because it was my own fault for hurting in the first place.

For thinking that maybe for once in my life something would go the way I want it to and not the dysfunctional way I'm used to.

It isn't fair for me to have to become second best to anyone all the while knowing i'm a quality, first-rank kind of woman.

And when tiny, small insignificant things make their way into my line of vision and, somehow and someway devastate me, that sinking feeling in my heart -- ya'know the one that makes it feel as if someone's dragging it from my chest cavity into the soles of my feet --makes things seem impossible. THAT feeling has morphed itself totally out of my control.

It occurs without my consent and i front that stuff doesn't phaze me. People mention names and i HAVE to act as if you're nobody to me. As if the possibility of you walking out of my life wouldn't be worth losing sleep over.

But, no .. I have to swallow every.single.emotion and handle things in the privacy of my room because i refuse to let anyone see me sweat

So either you're in the room with me or you read these blogs, but besides that - i wipe away the tears and put on a smile that i carry 6 out of 7 days a week.



It's come in handy on occasions, but I'm tired of these character changes.