I'm Hurting

So, what I'm about to say is probably the rawest (is that a word? I'm gonna look into it.) I've said/felt in a while. It tends to take me a while to ever completely and verbally reflect what I'm feeling but these thoughts couldn't be more on the money.


I opened my heart up to people who pretended to open their heart up to me as long as no one else knew about it.That's not a good way to live, and it's not a good way to love..If the love you're giving and receiving is healthy, you should be able to announce it from a mountaintop without fear.The things I'm saying right now are the things people, myself included, mean when they say "niggas/bitches ain't shit" They don't have the courage to say "I'm hurting, and I'm trying to figure out why, but yeah, having to love in secret forced me to start living in secret, and it slowly but surely ate away at my soul.I'm a great person in every way, and no one in my life has any reason to be ashamed of me.


*sigh*
HOWEVER, the love you accept is a reflection of the love you believe you deserve, at least subconsciously. Keep in mind that I went through this/am going through this with more than one person in my life. This is not an attack on anyone specific. This is my own pathology.

But, don't get me wrong..I know and I understand that I have quirks and weaknesses, but they are NOTHING compared to my general, holistic awesomeness. I mean, plain and simple, I am awesome.

This is the view I must have of myself as I strive to rebuild my life.But real is real: I have abandonment and self-esteem issues that were only intensified by my ..let's call them .."relationships" (emphasis on the quotation marks) over the last three years.Now is the time for me to face and reverse these issues.

This explains how I've had to push people away in life. How it was crutial that I had to distance myself in order to avoid being constantly reminded of the things that hurt me, to avoid repeatedly peeling off scabs.I had to spend enough time away from them to realize that I'd be alright whether they remained in my life or not, even thought that amount of time was nothing of what I wanted my mental mind to allow me..I was talking years, months..while my heart/emotions/feelings gave me a few days.But when the pain a person brings you begins to exceed the joy, you've got to break loose from that person, even if only for a while..and that's exactly what I attempted to do.

Because it sucks. It genuinely sucks and hurts having to separate yourself from people you truly love, and who HAVE contributed positive things to your life.

What makes this situation so sad is that there are no monsters or saints. I did my share of dumb shit too. And in the end, I won't apologize for it ..or regret it ..although I've said on numerous occasions that I do regret things.


*deep breath*
..Baby steps