Careless

If i said i didn't care, I'd be lying because its obvious i care TOO much.

And i have my moments where i put up a front and act as if it doesn't phaze me or as if i don't even notice but, i do. And it suckssss. This is mainly because my pride is blinding that i refuse to have anyone knock it down. And when someone gets even remotely close to my knocking my pride, i get defensive and tense up. And i guess i get advice on how NOT to be the way i am but, .. i don't really know how to put that to use.

i guess what I'm tryng to say here -i know I'm sounding a bit vague- is that I'm a very possessive person. What's mine is mine until i say otherwise .. And when that is being threatened, you'll be able to notice my mood change. But that's all it'll be, a mood change because i front like it doesn't bother me when really, all i wanna say is exactly how i feel. But i don't know how to do that, and i really need to learn how.

I'm not really good at saying how i feel, or asking for what i want. Because i feel its assumed and even though things should be real clear-cut, i don't see myself ever being that blunt. Why this is bothering me today, i don't really know.. But i didn't have a good cinco de mayo, last night was very traumatic for me and the night just didn't seem to end, and when I'm unhappy my mind wanders and i digg myself deeper into negative thoughts.

Truth is I'm farrrrr from careless. I'm also starting to re-think if its that i care too much. i think its just that i don't know how to care to begin with.

Does that make sense to you? Because it doesn't to me. And i think that's the point =/