Better Than This

A random girl that i used to party with in my later highschool years just initiated a facebook chat with me and she's a sweetheart of a girl, but i found this all too random. I saw her at one of my bestfriend's birthday events at club Climax a couple weeks ago and apparently that night she saw someone that caught her eye. She was just wondering what this person's "situation" was and whether or not I knew them.

Turns out I have absolutely NO idea who this person is. Haha, but that's not even my main focus. My main focus is that she came at me in a calm and cool way (as she should have :] ) and before she asked anything--she stated she doesn't know of who i chill with nor anyone's dating situation and she doesn't want to step on anyone's toes because if she is/was she would immediately step back and keep it movin'.

I found this so admirable.

And relevant.

How so, you ask? Well, seriously, for those few that have actually taken the time to get to know me and my personal life from years back all the way up to modern day, you would see that i've always been in the predicament in which either my toes were being stepped on or--more likely--i would step on other's toes. And it's not something i'm proud of by ANY means.. this was just the situation that would surround me on more than one occasion. This meaning I'd carry around the mentality of "I don't give a fuck, if things happen with (*insert dude's name here*) then so be it. His situation is none of my concern, if he's down then so am i" type of stilo. And i promise, it really doesn't come across as disrespectful and whore-ish as i just made it seem, but that's the jist of it. And it's not a good look..

I'm done doing that.
Done with overstepping my boundaries and expecting more than whats given to me. I can't do that stuff anymore and I may feel some type of way about it at first but, i honestly don't want to step on anyone's toes anymore. I don't want to have to live MY life in shadows anymore.

I want to do me OUTLOUD. and without giving a fuck about what anyone's going to say because it's not a fucking secret. I'm tiredddddd of secrets. About 85% of my life has been in secrecy. I'm not the fricken Taliban, i shouldn't have to live this way. It's unfair to me.

Mind you, I'm not saying this is entirely to blame on others. NO. this is mostly my fault for taking part in secret situations. For obliging to these circumstances where I get assed out in the end. And as appropriate as it may seem, this New Years Resolution is going to be about change (Arent't they all, you say?) but about me looking for things that are going to benefit me. And with that said, i'm through stepping on people's toes. It's unfair, it's cruel, and it's something i don't want done to me. Because it's time I'm happy with everything in my life and not just what goes on behind closed doors.

I deserve at least that.