Real Talk

I do a lot of not so smart things on the regular. It's this weird impulse that pulls me towards things. My brain says, "stop it. You know this is wrong." Meanwhile my heart says, "It's different this time." I'm always ignoring one thing or the other. Trying to pretend that things are fine or "normal". I'm not exactly sure I know what "normal" is. I'm pretty sure I'm not it though.

I tend to watch people and situations. Trying to figure out certain things and I've come to the conclusion that I'm not normal. And I want to be. I want to be normal. I want to be some regular girl with regular emotions and regular ways of expressing and living and loving and laughing. This other way, gets too hard. It gets too big. It gets too confusing.and frustrating. And exhausting. And stupid. I feel like I'm doing it wrong. All of it. But I don't know how to do it differently. Normally i'd be extermely mad at myself right now. And I'd be so disappointed and I'd feel like I failed. And I'm not sure how to talk myself out of it. or back rather.I'm just too much.
Too difficult. Too intense. I'm not an easy person to know or love. And I used to be ok with that. Now it's just lonely.

And it's not poetic or profound. It's just what it is. I'm just really fucking exhausted.And the smart part of me (the part that's left) knows it's not real; that it's all mind tricks and broken brain but it feels real.And all I know is what I feel. And that's all I got. I don't have much else. I need to figure out how to talk myself out of this.It just feels big. I can't see past it. And I hate that I have to be this open and raw nerved because people dont' respect it.They want you to be strong and brave and courageous and sometimes you just feel small and scared and exposed. And it sucks.You kinda just want one dry faced day. One moment when your stomach isn't folded into itself. A period when the mind is quiet and not racing. When you dont' feel like you're always doing something wrong. or about to.

I feel like I'm always breaking someone or something.

I know I look tiny but I feel like I break everything I touch. I'm doing the best I can. I really am but it doesn't feel like enough.


*sigh*

:)