Trying

I really am trying.

Trying my absolute hardest to get rid of the mental real-estate that you continue to occupy. And on top of that, I was told something tonight that literally brought me to tears.. In a public place..and made me feel terrible. I can never catch a break when it comes to you. What do I do? Because if I do what I want to do,...ugh, nevermind.

This hurts.

Make it stop.

Verbatim

Title’s are tempting
I can’t always map out wrong or right
But calling you mine just seemed fitting
Felt a lot like certainty
Not so much like possession
Just potential
A sure thing in a bucket of blind folds
Something to sleep to
And a face worth waking up for
As for you

Titles must’ve sounded like
land mines going off
Secret agendas, unknown expectations
Friendly fire’s in pure form
Like tight rope walking over pointed cliffs
And a not so beautiful horizon
Proof that we handle our senses differently
See God blessed me with poet’s hands
And gave you photographer’s vision
Hence, You trust in what you see
As for me, I’m all feelings

I kept you close
But held you differently
Hugs more like “Have you smiled today?”
Less like “Tell me how your day was.”
On camera, it may all look the same
But in my hands, I cradled you unbreakable
Wouldn’t let your heart hit ground
Even as I found myself falling
Couldn’t honestly tell you what I expected
Can only speak on that which I’m sure

Fact: allowing you to call me friend was my hearts greatest compromise
Not quite the title I had hoped for
Silly me
Naïve and still playing make believe
You made me believe you’d love me like they never could
Like you saw something different with that radar of yours
But those seven letters just made my love seem miniscule
Like something I should have reserved for sand boxes during recess

I don’t make love to my friends
Don’t flippantly offer up kisses
May seem keen on affection
But my adoration aint that frivolous
And I’m trying to be cooperative
… It’s just that negotiations haven’t always been my strong point
Especially when I call myself feeling certain


Plain and simple
This is not what I signed up for
And in most cases, the lesser sentence is preferable
But when I loved you like I love you
All or nothing’s the only fit
And you only cop pleas for a lesser sentence
When it’s a crime you did not commit

I did this on purpose
Shamelessly, even
Yet somehow it’s been restrained to friendship
So, give me time to gather my things
My personals
The ones I so intricately placed in your space
Fear not when you realize it was my energy that made your home feel familiar
Friends help with dishes
Not come over to make you dinner
And should you ever realize mistakes
Are the weapons you’ve manufactured in mass production

Wave your white flag
But don’t’ call this compromise
The only peace treaty I’m down for
Is the one that gives me a larger piece of you
The things I used to look forward to
I never needed the title of friendship
To validate what I already knew
What I wanted was something more
Something like certainty mixed with potential
No land mines or friendly fire
My love is the only front line worth fighting on
The only one capable of guaranteeing a safe passage home
If you’re ready for what, at times, may seem like high waters
Fasten your boot straps
But put down the machine gun
No protective gear is needed
You are safe here
Recognize me as friend
Only to assure yourself that we could never be enemies
Let’s take on a larger title
By now, it may seem trivial
But if it makes my wounds worth it
Know it’s all that I’ve been fighting for

Filled with Regret

& here goes:

Wow, reading old posts on here really brings me back to simpler times. I can't believe there was ever a time where I didn't give a fuck. Shame on me, forreal. I wouldn't wish on anyone the feeling I have right now. And I'm fully responsible for my actions and I hate to use the word regret because you only do things you want to do in life, but it pains me to have to say that I regret it. All of it. Every single moment of it. And, God, if I could ..I wouldn't even have chosen to meet this person, even as a friend. That's how powerful I feel right now. And for as long as I've been trying to put it out of my mind, the same bad habits just kept reoccuring preventing me from getting away from it all. The only thing holding me back is the number of mutual friends who I still want to keep in my life and also the fact that I've gotten so attached to you that I don't even know where to begin to distance myself.

We've strayed so far from the friendship we started off with. And I'd give soooooo much to be back there and go back to whatever-the-fuck moment it was where we BOTH decided to do this because I wouldve said No. And said that this really would alter our friendship. But I swore I was stronger than that. But let's be real: its changed everything. I'm not the same way I was with you and vice versa. You bite your tongue for so many things. I think you fear my reaction. Which u shouldn't but everyone handles things differently and I respect that. But I miss old things. Old friendly things. And we won't go back to that. Atleast not for a while. A very long while. I miss the old you.

We are both to blame for a solid friendship gone bad.

Appropriate

"You are good, kind-hearted, honest, and self-sacrificing to a fault. These and other stellar qualities are highly sought after by your friends and loved ones. Sometimes, though, you take the self-sacificing part too far, and you give until it hurts. But there is a lesson here for you. When someone allows you to give so much that it takes something away from your own life, that person probably is not a true friend. NO ONE WHO LOVES YOU WOULD WANT TO SEE YOU SUFFER OR DO WITHOUT. No one is asking you to change your character; just be wiser in who you choose to help out."


- my horoscope today

Stubborn Nature

This entire entry is not mine, but i could NOT have said it better myself. These are my exact feelings and thoughts and sometimes my attempt at rationalizing these thoughts doesn't work out as best as i would want them so luckily for me T.Mel explained it with perfection. 

USELESS ATTEMPTSI spent a huge chunk of today reminiscing on old friends, resenting my stubborn nature, and hating my insecurities. Now it's midnight and I think I've had enough. <--link to her page.

What's the use of it all really?
To remember the things that hurt the most,
to wish for things and make happy toasts,
to try and rekindle old flames with gone-folks?

What's the use of it?

Useless attempts at a present, burdened by your past.
If it didn't work then what now could make it last?
When you're lonely and confused you make decisions too fast...
So what's the use of it?

Useless...useless..USEless...useLESS....
USE LESS words when you're not thinking straight;
when you're irrational decision may potentially alter your fate...
when you're bored in your bed and remember a former mate...
USE LESS words when you're not thinking straight.

What's the use of it really?
In the end you will only feel silly..
For your own attempts make you look over-willing..
Vulnerability.

Useless attempts and vulnerability,
they're useless.
And to us?

Attempts at broken pasts only end with things that won't last.

--T. MEL

You're Not

the You that i want You to be.

You know,
You're not the you that you used to be.
The you that worried and tried to look out for me.
You're not the you that I want you to be.
Because you're not you and don't want to see.

You're not the you that you used to be.
The you that I loved and trusted the most.
The you who I knew made for a friend I could boast.
You're not the you that I want you to be.
Because you're not you or even ready to be.

the You that i want You to be,
would never actually question me.
You wouldn't dismiss me but listen to me.
the You that i know You to be,
trusts me.

But now you're not the you that I want you to be.
Because you're hesitating to grow up,
I know cause you told me.

I expect you to be the you I want you to be.
But I'll settle for the you that you appear to be.

--T. MEL

Life

Too Much
You ask me to be your friend,
but my love exceeds friendship.
You want me to be just a friend
and I must, then,
cherish mere minutes
between days you spend
with your lover.

You think you value me as your friend,
but your time and energy
do not belong to me
and I feel of little worth.
You touch me as a friend,
the touch impersonal,
there are no kisses I can claim,
your passion is not mine.

I am but a friend,
and that does not hurt you.
You hurry off to see your lover
so easy to leave me,
and my heart bleeds.
You do not know my pain,
for I love you much too much
to be but your friend

...............................yeah.

*sigh*

my life.