One Day

"You don't want somebody who doesn't know his own heart, do you? You'll find someone who's brave enough to love you. Someday. One day. Not today."
-- Sandra Cisneros




*Sidebar: first elephant I gave Alexx, he named Sandra.*

Questions

I don't like being asked questions that the people who are doing the asking don't geuinely want the answers to. Don't ask me how I'm doing if what you REALLY want to know is if the heats off you yet. It just adds to an already long list of disappointments from you. I feel so let down. Like my initial judgement radar wasn't working that day and you managed to slip through my cracks. I'm still really, really, really not okay. And I don't like being a burden to anyone but I also don't want to be anyones concern by default. I'd have more respect for you if instead of PRETENDING to care about me for 1 hour of your day, you actually just came out and said you couldn't give two shits. Because atleast I'd know you weren't lying.

I may be feeling extra lousy today.
But even on days like these, there are kind, genuine people in my life who actually put some concern behind it when they ask "how are you?". And I'm appreciative of THEM 100%.

But I sometimes wish one of those people was you.
Whatever

Today's Message

"Something feels different in your world, Moonchild. The winds of change are beginning to blow through your life. This may make you feel somewhat fearful, but you need to change that. Instead of looking at the changes that are coming to you as potentially destructive and frightening, you need to build up a sense of anticipation and joy. This change is good. Be ready to let go of what does not work, and embrace what does. Be ready to assess your own outlook. If it hasn't been positive enough, you need to approach your new direction with the certainty that the future is a very, very happy place."

Stressing

I admit. I get emotional and beside myself when I’m hurting. I don’t think rationally, and the anxiety kicks in. It’s funny because most people who know of me, think the craziest things about me. I’ve heard it all, I’m mean, I’m bitchy, I’m too deep, I’m too goofy, I’m too quiet. That’s cool but ya’ll don’t really know me. I can seem a lot of things, but I don’t just let everybody into my heart, let them know what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling, etc.

I can be kind of reckless and hoping that people will change. I give a lot of second chances. I take a lot of bullshit. I let people walk over me sometimes. So if I wanna be a bitch about a fucked up situation, if I wanna sulk in my feelings for a minute, let me do that shit.
Stop the judging.

You only see the exterior of me for a fucking reason.

Always

" i think i'm afraid to be happy because whenever i get too happy something BAD always happens."
                       - Charlie Brown

Cruel

I don’t think my expectations are out of line. If I hold you down, say 100 percent of the time, why should I settle for you holding me down 50 percent of the time?




It doesn’t add up.

And it’s not right either.

You can’t half ass your personal relationships.

Pit of My Stomach

"Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain, the normal pains that we live with everyday. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else; makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain. We anaesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it... and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it."