Raindrops

I'm in my car waiting for my cousin to come downstairs so we can go and watch New Moon and see what all the fuss is about, but of course i start to get all deep into thought and reintroduce the idea of evaluating my life. And quite frankly, it sucks.

I'm sick ..and it's come and gone this entire week to the point where it prevented me from going to work Sunday night. And that's pretty much how i feel now. Really ..just..blahh. Strung out and exhausted. Annoyed and irritated. I'm just not impressed by anything. Im not close to graduating (semi-close), im not working where i'd like to, i dont think i could genuinely rely on any given person or people, the same dudes keep coming in and out of my life with no sense of progress from any of them, and i feel like someone's playing Marrionette with my life. As if i have absolutely no control.

Do you guys think i'm bipolar? I hope not, because thats a legitamate disease and it takes a lot to be diagnosed with it. But im honestly asking because i know my last post was relatively "perky" (so to speak)

But, i guess this is how most females are: overtly emotional and passionate about things. I'm just a small-town girl (living in a lonely worldddd!!! ..right? Haha) who wishes she had more on her plate than what's being offered to me.but i KNOW - KNOW - KNOW that my main problem is not speaking out --publicly-- about whats bothering me, to the people that it has to deal with. And i keep alot of shit bottled inside. Honestly tho, if i didnt have this blog ..i'd probably self destruct. Even though i dont really write down everythingggg (i'd be a fool to do so) but, it helps. It really does. Maybe i should voice my thoughts more often..

I guess it's true when you hear the saying, "a closed mouth don't get fed." Okay maybe its not a saying ..just a Hov quote, but still very much appropriate.


Whatever.

Detonate

Hola amigos *Bart Simpson voice*

So i've been my usual self lately. Ya'know ..misbehaving, acting inappropriately, making bad decisions, things of that nature--that at this point--are of no surprise to me. I wonder when that's all going to stop, though. How long this is going to last. Perhaps I have to "get it out of my system" so to speak. I don't really believe in that kind of hoopla though. So, i guess this will continue until I find some kind of alternative. Which i'm not going to necessarily look for .. but i'm just going to sit back and let the change find me. Does that make sense?

I'm feeling relatively nonchalant right now. Somewhat carefree. I'm not completely sure why, but then again I don't really care. And I normally don't blog when I feel this way; normally I blog when i'm feeling some type of way, or I have something I want to get off my chest, or I feel like calling someone out on their mistakes, or when my blood is boiling to the point where I want to shank the shit out of one of my friends (except my sbf, Andrea, I absolutely love/adore her always).

But yeah, that's my mental state for the time being. Pretty leveled and sane. Let's see how long this'll last. Considering I'm a basketcase and tomorrow someone will piss me off, or erk the shit out of me, or "get under my skin" and the mood on this page will shift all over again, but until then i'm feeling peachy. And to prove it, here's a jolly quote:


"I put an intention in a first class seat on a paper airplane. It will detonate love upon landing & then return to me, safely. Prize in hand." -- author unknown

It's profound and beautiful and poetic and pretty =]


"Love someone & mean it,"
S

Temporary

"We weren't in love, just in season... No trespassing, cause you are past trusting."

-Alysia

I Don't Care

&this isn't me "pretending" to be strong or "making believe" things dont bother me. Nope. This is me saying plain and simple that i do not care.


And YOU have some nerveeeee, trying to get my attention again. Like we havent been through enuff. Maybe that's the root of all my frustrations this week but, how dare you. How dare you want to put me through all your nonsense again.and how dare i even consider letting you back in. Shame on me, forreal.

But on another note: Im human and things are going to bother me. Things that i said wouldnt phaze me ..are eventually going to phaze me. And no one can sit here and pretend like that's never happened to them. But im not blogging to look for reassurance; im blogging in hopes that i can make myself believe that i'm not wrong. Because im not.so i'm doing this so that soon enough i can come back and re-read these thoughts and tell myself that i'm right. Atleast thats what im telling myself..and My reasons behind my acting/reacting this way are because i feel im entitled to do so. And if i keep these reactions to myself i might just go into cardiac arrest.and im just at the point where i dont care.

I dont care
I dont care
I dont care

Deadass, i just dont. Because this would imply that there was something to care about. And there isnt. You're not worth me stressing. Or me letting you get "under my skin". I'm just saying that what you're attempting ...is so unfair to all parties involved. And its selfish. And its careless. And its you being neglegent. And i just dont care.


Anymore.

And if ya don't know what im talking about or you feel the need to ask "why" or "how come" or "be specific" then you just need to go somewhere. Somewhere far. Far away from me.

Number 27

The New York Yankees
The New York Yankees
The New York Yankees
The New York Yankees
The New York Yankees
The New York Yankees
The New York Yankees
The New York Yankees
The New York Yankees
The New York Yankees
The New York Yankees
The New York Yankees
The New York Yankees

:)

Reflect on Love

"I want to use this space to reflect on love. The need to hold it and own it and push it through at all cost. We fear it. We want to push it from us while complaining and moaning that we don’t have it. We do have it. It may not look like what we expected. It might be a little shorter. It might talk too much. It might want to hold you when you just want to be left alone but it’s there.

We are missing this ability to remember that through it all at the darkest, the wettest, the most mournful, it is our innate and infinite capacity to give and receive love that keeps us moving. Keeps us mourning within the confines of “this too shall pass” and it will and it does. I don’t know a lot about a lot but I know this to be true. There is a sadness pulling at me right now, thinking of all that’s lost but I am forcing myself to focus on the things and the people that give and receive love freely. And the people who give and receive love reluctantly. And the spaces and places and faces on this planet that need it the most.

I know I say it every day and it’s taken on this perverse one-woman cliche affect but I’ve never in my life meant it more. Love someone and mean it. Love a bunch of “someones” and mean it. It’s just that simple. Just that necessary. Just that “enough” to get you past what’s missing and into what’s there. Start with yourself and work the edges."

-Bassey Ikpi


Apparently my NEW obsession =]



P.S. Happy November !

Never, Ever

"Never OVERestimate your importance in someone's life"
- Bassey Ikpi